It’s gotten better.
It’s a whole lot like anything else I suppose, your ideas of how pregnancy and raising a child are going to be and how the ideas stack up against reality. Reality versus fantasy, what a contest.
The contest isn’t discussed-it’s accepted. Everyone talks about the joy of having a child. The way that “everything changes in that moment”, “you become a different person”, “it’s all good” and so on. This pith is always offered with some qualifier “the hardest thing you’ll ever do.” I am ready for “the hardest thing I’ll ever do”. Cleaning up shit and worrying about if my kid has been molested at school or is saddled with learning disabilities or is perfectly healthy and then why the hell are they so difficult and when will they listen to me-I’m ready for that. So when I start to stare into the distance, withdraw and brood I’m not thinking about that-the Dharana in my eyes isn’t the future-it’s the past. The industry of parenthood tells us that we are destined to be happy, to have difficult times but ‘it’s all worth it’. You’ll never be the same again the industry says, and I am sure that they are right. Here’s what they don’t tell you: They don’t tell you that this is the most frightening thing you have ever gazed at. The industry isn’t concerned with the past-or the impact of the past on your future. The industry doesn’t want to talk about how pregnancy makes you fear for your parents, that they are older and not getting younger and closer to death than ever. No one talks about how pregnancy pulls back the curtain on the dysfunction of your parents-or how it perhaps reflects your future in theirs-a crystal ball to when my own children are free from the nest and procreating. Your fear isn’t just for their well being-it’s for your own. You can see now, in the twilight of their lives, the sad reflection of what awaits you-your dreams turned to fumes, the stark fluorescent light of their lives and failures. You think you’ll be any different? The industry won’t discuss the crushing overpowering sense of mortality that having a child creates. Never mind your parents, because you have yourself to worry about and while we are at it, let’s go over what you did so far on this planet. You stumbled your way through adolescence and young adulthood-wondering what you would be when you grew up and now you’ll be another parent with ether dreams. The industry won’t talk about these feelings, they won’t discuss how this affects the expectant father or mother. Its all ‘congratulations’ and knowing winks of late nights and bags under your eyes, the extra 15lbs you carry around like the badge of fatherhood but its all worth it and you couldn’t imagine not bringing this thing into the world, this squirming, wriggling hot ball of love and light.
And maybe, just maybe that’s the secret-is that you have to give a lot to get yourself a little. I guess I'm going to have to find that out myself.
